{"id":53055,"date":"2015-09-02T00:01:32","date_gmt":"2015-09-02T07:01:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.cookiesandclogs.com\/?p=53055"},"modified":"2016-05-31T15:12:41","modified_gmt":"2016-05-31T22:12:41","slug":"understanding-depression","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.cookiesandclogs.com\/understanding-depression\/","title":{"rendered":"Understanding Depression & What It’s Like to Live With"},"content":{"rendered":"
I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve mentioned it here yet but I have major clinical depression. It\u2019s a condition I\u2019ve been dealing with since I was eight years old and it will likely affect me for the rest of my life. After five years of sharing my life with you, it seems like a good time to open up about this.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re not familiar with clinical depression, it\u2019s not a matter of feeling a \u201clittle down\u201d every so often or something you can just \u201cget out of.\u201d Though the effects may go unseen outwardly, it\u2019s an actual medical illness that can require professional assistance in managing. Unless you have experienced it or are close to someone who deals with it on an ongoing basis, understanding depression can be very difficult. It skews one\u2019s entire way of thinking and can be debilitating in every aspect of everyday life.<\/p>\n
Though I experienced symptoms of depression since I was a young child, it was not until I was about 19 years old that I was actually diagnosed. I\u2019ve been through years of counseling, herbs, medication changes, lifestyle changes, improvement in diet and exercise, etc. Yet, I continue to struggle with the mental, emotional, and physical effects every day.<\/p>\n
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Now, it\u2019s important to know that depression affects everyone differently. So, though I have quite a bit of knowledge regarding depression, it is based solely on my own experience. For me, my stamina is greatly affected. That is why I cannot work outside of the home. You might be surprised to hear this when my online feed is full of photos from traveling, press events, and family activities. What you don\u2019t see is me being stuck in bed for the next 3-5 days, in and out of sleep and internalizing overwhelming stress.<\/p>\n
I constantly deal with feelings of worthlessness. Is someone not having a good day? It must be my fault and I have to apologize. Is someone less than happy with me? I can\u2019t focus on anything but how to make things right. Did someone do something good? They\u2019re so much better than me. Was something great achieved? It must have been a fluke since I\u2019m not capable enough. When I\u2019m at a low point, there\u2019s no reasoning with me as the self-hate is continual and nonsensical. That is, if I can even muster the strength to talk.<\/p>\n
While you might notice a lot of \u201cI\u201d and \u201cme\u201d in those above statements, it\u2019s not just a matter of being self-centered. When experiencing depression, it can\u2019t be helped. Negative feelings of all things bad about yourself come to the fore and continue to haunt you. That\u2019s just part of the condition.<\/p>\n
Also, unlike others who can feel highs and lows, my feelings are always somewhat flat-lined \u2013 never really happy for an extended period of time and not able to feel the pain of others when I logically should. So, while I can cry at toilet paper commercials, I have a hard time relating to the death of someone. When I should bubble over with warm feelings of joy from time with loving friends and family, I just smile then go home and curl up in a ball by myself and sigh. It\u2019s not fun. Really.<\/p>\n